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TO THE MYTH OF THE MONTH
 
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MYTH OF THE MONTH
MIGHTY ZEUS, KING OF THE OLYMPIANS
CHAPTER THREE - PROMETHEUS BOUND
(Please read Chapter I and Chapter II first, or shake your head in puzzlement...)

As their reward for fighting on the side of the Olympians during the epic battle versus the Titans, Epimetheus and his brother Prometheus were tasked with creating the animals and humans that would populate the earth.

Epimetheus went first and he gave all the good qualities to the animals of the earth - swiftness, cunning, strength, fur, wings; in short all the finer virtues, and those needed for survival, went to the creatures.

But resources are not endless...By the time Epi got to man, all the admirable qualities were gone and none were left for good old Homo Sapiens. What's a poor Titan to do?

Epi turned to a true Pro for help. Prometheus took over the task of creation and sought a way to make man superior. To give him an advantage he decided that man should stand upright like the gods did and then, in a spark of brilliance, he gave them fire.

Opa! With his new found flame and stature, man did the upright thing and began to prosper, building homes, opening restaurants, cooking his meals, and keeping warm in the winter.

Fire...What a concept! Well done, Pro. You the man!

Prometheus did little to disguise the fact that he much preferred man to the Olympians. After all, most of his family had been banished to Tartarus following their Titanic sinking in the battle versus the gods. Pro was looking for a way to get back at Zeus, and soon an opportunity presented itself.

As his rightful bounty from man, Zeus decreed that a portion of each animal they sacrificed be given to him. Hey, he's Ruler of the Sky! Are you going to deny him his cut?

That's when brave Prometheus decided to hustle Zeus. He created two piles as his offering, one with plain old bones hidden inside some juicy fat, the other with the good edible parts concealed in the ugly hide, disguising them further by piling entrails on top. Gutsy move.

He then asked Zeus to pick one pile, and that would be his future offering. Door #1 or door #2, Big Guy?

Guess what? Yup, Zeus fell for Pro's slick move - He picked the bones and had to accept that as his share of all future sacrifices. Thereafter only fat and bones were burned to the gods upon their altars, men kept the good meat for themselves.

(In this particular sharing of the wealth, "Man got the elevator, Zeus got the shaft," as Hesiod liked to say...Proves his point that Zeus really developed no brains until Athena was born out of his forehead. Leave it to my favorite goddess to smarten up the Numero Uno. Read all about her in Part Four that follows.)

Man, was Zeus ever humiliated by his foolish selection of fat and bones over tender meat! For months he was the butt of endless late night jokes down at Thanasi's Olympus Greek Restaurant. I recall the immortal Greek tragicomedist, Lettermanius of Sparta, cracking up the room with his Top Ten Reasons Zeus Picked Bones Over Meat.

Of course, he always waited until Zeus split for the night, you don't want to mess with the Bearer of the Thunderbolts.

(Zeus once told me that he knew Lettermanius poked fun at him after hours at Thanasi's, the moon goddess Selene had told him, but the dude was so darn funny, he didn't have the heart to strike him dead with a bolt.)

Here is Lettermanius of Sparta's TOP 10 REASONS ZEUS PICKED PRO'S BONES OVER MEAT

10. Athena hadn't been born yet
9. He wasn't the sharpest spear in the armory
8. Eeenieee, Meenieee, Minieee, Moeee...
7. Had spent the previous night hanging with Dionysus
6. He really said "hide", but the ref heard "bones"
5. He didn't have the stomach for intestines!
4. "The Oracle made me do it!"
3. "I thought it was two-out-of-three!"
2. If you can't trust your head Pro, whom can you trust?

And the #1 Reason Zeus Picked Pro's Bones Over Meat:

1. Aphrodite had just strolled by wearing nothing but her golden girdle!

Smarting at his slim pickings, and still trying to wipe the fat off his beard, Zeus proceeded to do what he was famous for in his younger days - he flipped his lid!

Not one to put up with being swindled, Zeus took back the fire that Prometheus had given man, perhaps the single most devastating thing he could have done, short of sending a flood or something  -t hat came a little bit later, I'm sure we'll get to it soon.

Prometheus wasn't going to idly sit by and watch man shiver, even though Zeus had warned Pro to chill out and not get involved. As the seasons changed, and winter hit hard, he saw his beloved man starving and freezing to death. Without fire, stone cold and unable to cook, man was on the verge of perishing.

We all felt terrible, except for that macabre god, the one we called "The Undertaker", feared Hades, who had suddenly hit the jackpot. Should have seen his glee as he clicked his people counter in hell's waiting room!

Prometheus looked with sorrow upon his handiwork, and knew he was bound for destiny. He lit a torch from the sun and secretly brought it back again to man. It nearly blew out so many times during the stealthy trek down Olympus, and had it gone out in the wind, with it would have been extinguished forever all the hopes of mankind!

He finally made it to earth, and handed the flame to a shaky Muhammad Ali, who somehow managed to light the Olympic torch....er...sorry, I'm getting way ahead of myself.

Well, you just knew that Zeus would find out in no time that man once again had fire. We think that big-mouth Helios spilled the beans. Either that or he smelled the barbecue lamb chops down at Thanasi's. So Zeus set about getting revenge on both man and Prometheus. And did he ever! Dig this...

To punish man, Zeus had Hephaestus, the incredibly skilled god of smiths, create a mortal of stunning beauty, a sweet and lovely thing to look upon. I once asked Hephaestus for the recipe, and with a straight face the joker said he used earth and water only.

Yeah, right Heph! Earth and water. Man, if only I could get my hands on those ingredients! Think of the franchise fees I could demand!

The gods bestowed on this mortal many gifts of wealth: Silvery rainment and a broidered veil, and bright garlands of blooming flowers and a crown of gold that radiated great beauty.

Hermes endowed her with the gift of persuasion, Apollo gave her the gift of musical talent and Aphrodite made her yet more beautiful. She was perfect!

Almost perfect... This creation of Hephaestus was Pandora, the first mortal woman. She was so named because of what the gods had given her - Pandora means 'the gift of all'.

When Pandora was complete, Zeus brought her out and wonder took hold of gods and men when they beheld her. As per his plan, Zeus then sent her to the Titan Epimetheus as a present. Some punishment, you say. Hang on, this gets real good.

You see, the gods had given Pandora a wonderful golden box - it was actually a jar, but let's not bicker over details - but had warned her never to open it. Under no circumstance was Pandora to look inside the box, they made this perfectly clear.

Wouldn't you know it? Those practical jokers had each placed something harmful inside the box, and they forbade her ever to open it, knowing that would drive Pandora mad.

Now wise Prometheus, knowing full well that Zeus was angry at him for sneaking fire back to man, had warned his brother Epi not to accept any gifts from Zeus. Yeah right... One look at the gorgeous Pandora and Titan Epi was smitten... his knees buckled and he went down like the Titanic!

Her beauty and charm were so great that he disregarded Pro's advice and allowed her to stay. Besides, his biological clock was ticking double-time. So Epi said "I do!"

Can you say 'trouble in paradise'? Daily, Pandora's curiosity grew as to the contents of the forbidden box. Knowing that she wasn't allowed to open it tormented her. Finally succumbing to the relentless need to know, she opened the box just a little, to have a tiny, tiny peek...

The horror! Out flew countless plagues, misery, hate, jealousy, mischief and just about every sorrow and pestilence known to humankind. In terror Pandora slammed the lid down, but too late! Paradise lost!

Pandora was mortified at the evil which her curiosity had unleashed upon the earth. But hark! All was not lost! Trapped deep down in the bottom of the box was one more thing - Hope. It was the only good thing in the box given to Pandora by the gods, and remains to this day humankind's sole comfort in times of sorrow and misfortune.

Oh, but did politically correct Homer ever freak on Hesiod:

"Hesiod, you male chauvinist pig! Are you blaming the unleashing of plagues and sorrows on Woman?!? Buddy, I swear your wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead! You're gonna be crucified by the Feminists! And I'm gonna enjoy every bit of it! Ha!"

"Homey, Homey, Homey...Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while, Pandora was a suspect...Remember when my ex-wife took the kids, the chariot, both houses and, worst of all, the goats? I warned her then that I would get even. Pandora's a metaphor for my ex, and the witch knows it!

"Nobody takes my goats!"


Oh my, I rarely saw Hesiod so animated. Messy divorces will do that to you I guess.

A greater punishment lay in store for Prometheus. When he was done exacting his revenge on men, Zeus turned his vengeful eye on the arch-sinner Pro. The ruler of the universe remembered how much he owed Prometheus for helping him conquer the other Titans, but how quickly he forgot his debt! In this case, it was a "What have you done for me lately?" sort of thing.

Zeus called on his man-servants, Force and Violence - Let me tell you about these oafs. They were a couple of big ugly thugs, no necks, real light in the smarts department, but strong as Hades and not overly conducive to polite conversation. The tough guys forcefully seized my man Pro and violently delivered him high atop Mount Caucasus. There they chained Prometheus

"To a high-piercing, headlong rock In adamantine chains that none can break."

And just to rub it in, they told him:

Forever shall the intolerable present grind you down.
And he who will release you is not born.
Such fruit you reap for your man-loving ways.
A god yourself, you did not dread God's anger,
But gave the mortals honor not their due.
And therefore you must guard this joyless rock --
No rest, no sleep, no moment's respite.
Groans shall your speech be, lamentation your only words.


(Needless to say, Force and Violence weren't quite so loquacious. The above were Hesiod's words.)

You'd think that was punishment enough, right? Noooo...High atop the mountain, the bound Prometheus was tormented every day by an eagle sent by Zeus, which would feast on his liver.

To make matters worse, Pro's liver would grow back overnight, providing yet another smorgasbord for the bird the very next day. Talk about an all-you-can-eat buffet! I hate when that happens!

Well now - Was our hero Prometheus literally bound for a life of eternal torment? Could Zeus really be that cruel? Would the eagle tire of a daily dose of fresh Titan liver? Inquiring Hellenes wanted to know.

Greece was abuzz with Prometheus rumors, stories and innuendo. 'Pro's Prose', a compilation of his writings, overnight shot to #1 on the New Athenian Times Best Sellers list, and stayed there for eons.

In the more learned sections of Greece, graffiti reading 'Quid Pro Quo - You Must Release Pro!' defaced Zeus' temples.

Little Greeks everywhere refused to eat liver!

The Lord of the Sky was quick to respond to the negative PR - after all, the revered Oracle of Gallup revealed that Zeus' popularity and approval rating among humans had dipped to an unheard-of 1% post Pro, compared to a comfortable 96% prior to his unpopular sentencing. (Margin of error was 4% either way, so I personally think the 1% approval rating was really much lower.)

To silence the venom of humans, Zeus gave Prometheus two ways out of this eternal torment. Since it was foretold that Pro was the only one who knew the name of the child that would dethrone him, Prometheus could spill the beans to Zeus and he would be set free.

Right, as if Pro was about to snitch and have Zeus swallow someone else! The King of the Olympians sent his messenger Hermes to ask Prometheus to disclose the secret. This is what our protagonist answered him:

Go and persuade the sea wave not to break.
You will persuade me no more easily.
There is no force which can compel my speech.
So let Zeus hurl his blazing bolts,
And with the white wings of the snow,
With thunder and with earthquake,
Confound the reeling world.
None of this will bend my will.

'Go and persuade the sea wave not to break.' Was Pro the kind of guy you want on your side in an alley fight, or what! Our warrior wasn't going to cry 'uncle', eagle be damned!

Ok, then the stubborn mule could meet two conditions, Zeus told him via Hermes: First, that an Immortal must willingly volunteer to die for Prometheus. Second, that a mortal must kill the eagle and unchain the Titan, breaking the adamantine chains.

Sure, and then the Tooth Fairy would bring Prometheus a treat!

Come on, Zeus, can you make it any harder on our protagonist? What Immortal would be foolish enough to sacrifice his life for a Titan? And what mortal is strong enough to slay the eagle and break the unbreakable chains?

Well, look under your pillows, boys and girls! Eventually, Chiron the Centaur agreed to die for him, and my nephew Heracles (also known as Hercules, we called him 'Herc' for short) killed the eagle and unbound Pro.

I'm saving that story for when I tell you about the amazing exploits of mighty Herc, my absolute favorite nephew.

Prometheus' name has stood through the centuries, from ancient Greek days to modern times, as the great rebel against injustice and authority of power. He was brave enough to stand up to mighty Zeus and by so doing ensured the survival of humans.

Don't you just love when that happens?

But let's get back to Zeus. The stone swallowed by Cronus was expelled along with Zeus' siblings and became the centerpiece of the Delphic Oracle, which was a form of ancient Dial-A-Psychic.

Their slogan was "For every seer there is a sucker."

My friends and I once checked out the joint, but it was a complete waste of good drachmas. The famous Oracle of Delphi turned out to be just a bunch of spaced-out freaks sitting lotus-like around a stone, inhaling noxious fumes, listening to the same Grateful Dead album over and over, convulsing and raving wildly, and in the name of 'divine inspiration' trying to tell you your business.

And the darn Oracles never had good news, it seems, always terrorizing gods and mortals alike with their morbid and dire predictions:

'Your firstborn will grow up and unwittingly sleep with his mother, then mortified he will gouge out his eyes. You can prevent this by murdering your children as they're born. That'll be 100 drachmas, please.'

See what I mean? It's enough to give Oedipus a complex. Who needs it?

I've often said that the Oracles of Delphi are priests and priestesses that will steal your sundial, then proceed to kindly tell you what time it is. For a price. Today we call them 'consultants'.

The main players in the conflict versus the Titans then drew lots to divide the spoils of victory: Zeus got the heavens; Poseidon the sea; and Hades the underworld.

(Hey! You forgot the Earth! What? It's common to all three? Cool.)

So Zeus established his supremacy among the Olympians, but initially his reign was a rocky one, full of conflict and sexual misadventures. Zeus first sought to seduce Metis, who tried to discourage the union by continually changing form, trying to escape him.

Some guys just can't take 'no' for an answer, and young Zeus was one of them. He pursued Metis mercilessly, altering his form right along with her.

"See, baby, I can change for you!" we heard him shout, but she wasn't convinced. His reputation preceded him.

He finally caught up to the exhausted Metis, who briefly considered charging him with stalking. Zeus married and impregnated her, but when he found out from Mother Earth that any son Metis produced would dethrone him, Zeus swallowed his wife.

Like father like son, or what!

Shortly thereafter, Athena sprung out of his head, fully armed and clothed, shouting a war cry heard in the heavens and earth. I would be remiss if I didn't relate to you the particulars of the great Athena's birth!

Click on Chapter Four to read the end of this Myth of the Month.
[CHAPTER ONE]  [CHAPTER TWO]  [CHAPTER THREE]  [CHAPTER FOUR]