continued from Chapter Two

Aphrodite most famously set in motion the Trojan War. It goes like this:

The goddess Eris (Discord) was not invited to a wedding, a gala event attended by a veritable who's who.

I mean, no kidding! Who in their right mind would invite mean old Discord to their wedding? Wouldn't that be asking for trouble? She was persona non grata at most civilized functions.

To gain revenge, Discord threw a golden apple among the invited guest, a prize to be given to the most beautiful woman present.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm probably not the first person to bring this up, but what we have here is the first beauty pageant in recorded history.

To nobody's surprise, Hera, Athena and Aphrodite were the three finalists for the golden apple of Eris, and they asked Zeus to make the ultimate selection, but wise Zeus wanted nothing to do with the final decision.

"Talk about a lose-lose proposition," I heard Zeus muttering. "If I don't pick my wife Hera, she castrates me! Athena's my favorite child, and she sure is beautiful, so I'd be tempted to award her the apple. But then there's Aphrodite, and wouldn't you know it, she's wearing that darn golden girdle again! What a babe! Oh my... What's a god to do?"

So Zeus assigned the volatile task to a noble young prince from Troy named Paris, who was reputed to be an excellent judge of beauty. Not willing to chance defeat, Aphrodite bribed Paris by promising him the hand of gorgeous Helen, never mind that at the time Helen was married to Menelaus, King of Sparta - just a minor inconvenience.

The goddess of love's bribe worked, for Paris was stuck on Helen, who was said to be the most beautiful mortal alive. One day I caught a glimpse of Helen as she proudly stood on the walls of Troy, taunting and challenging the enraged Greeks to come and get her...Yes, she was a doll, but man was she ever full of herself. Thousand ships, and all that.

So Aphrodite got the golden apple of aunt Eris, Paris got the gorgeous Helen, and the ancient world got the Trojan War. The rest is history, the subject of many heroic and marvelous myths. Since I was there, I'll be able to give you an accurate feel for the subject when it comes time to talk of Troy.

I wonder if they invited good old aunty Discord to the next wedding.

Aphrodite also proved instrumental in determining the outcome of the Argonauts' quest for the Golden Fleece. At the request of Hera she made princess Medea fall in love with the hero Jason - he was such a jock! - which led to him getting the Fleece. More on that and the Trojan War another time.

Aphrodite's love affair with handsome Adonis was fabled. Adonis was born when King Cinyras bragged that his daughter Smyrna (we used to call her Myrrha) was more beautiful than my cousin Aphrodite. Idiot.

To punish the impudent man, Aphrodite made the king insane and caused him to lie with his daughter. When he regained his sanity and realized what he had done, King Cinyras tried to kill Smyrna.

Now there's a sane thing to do! As if it was his daughter's fault! Oh, those Greeks!

(But hang on. Vile rumors circulated around Olympus that Smyrna herself was infatuated with her father, and that with her nanny's assistance they made him drunk and Smyrna had seduced him. Hesiod, Homer and the rest of the gang always quarreled over who was to blame.

(I well remember their animated debates down at Thanasi's Olympus Greek Restaurant, lasting till Eos (Dawn) showed up to spoil their party, or until the Apelia red wine finally ran out and Orpheus' lyre was stilled...Good times.)

In an attempt to save the young woman from her father's wrath, Aphrodite turned Smyrna into a myrrh tree. Not to be denied, the king sliced this tree in half, and Adonis emerged from the split.

There are cute babies, and then there are gorgeous babies! Adonis was absolutely adorable!

Aphrodite was so moved by his beauty that she concealed the baby boy in a chest and entrusted him to Persephone, who was Queen of Hades, the Underworld.

Bad move, in hindsight.

Adonis grew to be quite the hunk - Hellenic People magazine named him Most Desirable Bachelor for 16 straight years - and eventually Aphrodite and Persephone came to blows over his affections.

You see, Persephone was also enamored by Adonis' beauty, and refused to give him back. I remember Hermes, the messenger god, discreetly showing me the following curt message from Persephone to Aphrodite regarding Adonis:

Dearest Aphro:

You and your damned golden girdle stay away from my Adonis! Surely there are enough gods and mortals on the upper levels to satisfy even a notorious hussy like you.

Me, I'm surrounded by a bunch of stiffs! Besides, I raised my Adonis since he was a baby, remember how you just dumped the poor little darling on my lap one day? So you'd have to be a complete airhead to think that any Olympian court would find for you.

I've already hired Themis to handle the case. If you think you're getting your filthy hands on my babe Adonis, you can go to Hades!

Actually, DO NOT come to Hades! I've instructed Cerberus to bite you!

Sincerely,
Persephone

PS: Any chance Hephaestus can make me one of those golden girdles?

I swore to Hermes that I wouldn't tell anyone that he showed me the note, for at least a couple of thousand years. You can lose your job, you know. That's private mail.

Click on Chapter Four to finish the satirical Aphrodite Myth of the Month.